I have to struggle with abandonment issues. I learned mistrust when I should have learned trust.
I struggled with child abuse. I still suffer because of it. Doing much better after counseling.
I had not been in a relationship for over twenty-five years. I have serious mistrust issues.
My hardest struggle was losing custody of my son. He was sixteen. I still haven’t forgiven myself for the pain I caused him. It makes me cry just sharing this.
The death of my father was horrible. I had PTSD. I thought I would never get over it. He was the only person that I knew believed in me.
We were very close. He was sick a lot and I was his caregiver. My mother also helped. I went to his grave one night. I stayed there in the rain and talked to him.
I could not find any peace within myself. I went for counseling. I was put on Xanax. Then I became disabled with arthritis. The same crippling disease my dad experienced.
Lost my career as a nurse due to my disability. My life was spiraling out of control.
I did not want to live. I overdosed twice. Held a gun to my head, pulled the trigger and it grazed my head. The gun kicked back or I would have died. I could not hear for a couple of weeks in that ear.
I was then put on opiates for pain. I had the perfect situation to become an addict. My emotional pain was worse than my physical pain.
I became addicted to Xanax first. I missed my son so badly. I went and detoxed thinking he would come home.
When he didn’t come home. I went back even harder and more. I eventually went to a methadone clinic. I stayed there for thirteen and a half years.
My son did visit me after he went to college. I was so messed up on drugs that we would argue about my methadone.
I would hurt his feelings and he would leave. I would cry for days. I had my anxiety sedated but my pain never stopped.
“There weren’t enough drugs to sedate that pain.”
I got clean two and a half years ago. It was a long complicated medical detox. I had numerous complications. I wanted to die. The hardest thing I have ever done in my life.
I had extensive inpatient and outpatient rehab. I went to N.A. meetings.
It was constant daily work. I was feeling so much emotion. I was misdiagnosed bipolar. Had numerous behavioral health admissions.
I became violent and hit a nurse and security guard. I was court-ordered to go to a behavioral health hospital. The police took me from the hospital in handcuffs to the psych unit.
Being labeled violent they eventually wanted to admit me to a state hospital. My sister would not allow it. The judge released me to her care.
I would have spent the rest of my life. In a mental hospital for a disease, I did not have.
I was angry, happy, sad, and confused. I felt my feelings and everyone else’s too. I was not afraid to die, I was afraid to live.
It was miserable. I had a drug craving extremely bad. It was worse than not being able to breathe.
I would just sit and cry. I would say, “take me to water.” That was the only way I could get some relief.
I still crave but I am on Wellbutrin. I don’t know if I could have made it. The medication helped tremendously.
I struggled my way back to try working. My anxiety was so bad. I could not keep a job. I kept doing my best. It took two years. I did transition back to a full-time nursing career.
I have finally found my way back to my son. Crying again. We have a wonderful relationship. He is estranged from his dad.
He said I didn’t want to live with my dad. I knew you were taking a lot of pills. Sleeping a lot. He did not understand.
He was angry with me. He had every right to be angry. I hurt him and I hate myself for failing him as a mother.
Being a mother was the BEST experience in life. I never knew a mother’s love until I became a mother.
Healthy attracts healthy, and unhealthy attracts unhealthy. I thank God every day that I am healthy.
I am now engaged to be married in a couple of months.
I have looked at life from many sides now. It has made me stronger and more determined. I don’t want to sleep. Don’t want to miss a sunrise or a sunset.
I want to reach my arms out. As far as they will go. Embrace life and hold on.
God is my refuge and my strength. He has restored me and I am “Un; Broken.”
I have written an autobiography and doing the rewrite. My book is also a teaching guide for parents. A guide to getting clean in a very broken system.
My life has gone full circle. Looking forward to each day.
“Once all struggle is grasped, miracles are possible….”