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I’m busy making spaghetti bolognaise and chatting with my boyfriend. Cooking is something I really enjoy doing, my mobile phone rings. I pick it up to see who is phoning and I see it is a hidden number.
I frown and put that call on silent, a damper on my good mood for sure. These debt collectors just keep on coming at me and they can really be vicious. I wouldn’t be able to take the call anyway with Bob here. He has no idea the amount of money trouble I am in, nobody does. This is a growing trend in my life. It seems I am constantly having to keep secrets and it is becoming a strain.
The Best Thing Is Always To Keep Quiet
Bob has said something to me and it snaps me out of my thoughts. I don’t know what he has said though so I told him I’m sorry, I wasn’t listening can he repeat what he said. The torrent of abuse starts with “That is the problem with you, you fucking bitch, you just don’t listen….” I’m standing there, shell shocked, with my phone still in my hand. This is what gets me. I can never ever see it coming. One moment we are having a perfectly normal time and the next I don’t understand what I have done.
And I can spend my days pussyfooting as much as I like, anything can set him off or even nothing at all. I try and defend myself. I apologize and say I never meant to offend him, I just got distracted
but it is no use. It never is. The best thing is always to keep quiet and take hours of verbal abuse when it starts. But for some reason I always think maybe this time he will look at me and say sorry, he never meant to shout at me. It was all a misunderstanding. “You disrespectful cunt, you unfaithful whore…”
It goes on and on. I look into his eyes. I am confused. The look of hate is so intense and I wonder what it is about me that he detests so much. His face is screwed up with disgust as he looks down at me spewing words of hate. I don’t know I am crying until he comes right up to me and starts telling me that all women are like that, all women are manipulative bitches that can pull tears out at will… I try to stop my tears because they just infuriate him more. I blink and look down. Bad move, I should have known. He takes my chin in his one hand and lifts my face up into his and sticks his other finger right in front of my face.
How dare you look away from me? Have you no respect?
It is at this moment that I detach from myself. I can’t explain how it happens and I don’t do it on purpose. I am sitting at the table in my own flat (the flat I moved into when I left him because of this abuse) and I am seeing, but at the same time not seeing, the man I love verbally abusing me. I have been zoned out for a long time.
I glance at the time on my phone. An hour and a half have passed since that missed call. I look at him and as he rages at me I am bashing myself from the inside. How stupid I am to have taken him back. What did I think? That just because he begged for me back that he would stop abusing me? I am stupid. I am weak. I am pathetic. Who could love me anyway? I have heard that some men abuse their wives and the next day or whatever they apologize profusely for what they have done.
Not me, because he would never even admit to what he had done. If I mention an episode he looks at me like I am completely cracked and says he never shouted at me. That never happened. Geez, I am losing my fucking mind. I wonder then if I am crazy and delusional like he says I am. Have I lost the plot completely?
Inspiration hits me. My phone is still in my hand. I turn on the video and I film him. It goes on for another forty minutes. He stops screaming and I am so relieved. He sits quietly at the table like he is pleased with his latest achievement. I know I must leave him alone at this time so I put down some wine to try and stop me shaking.
He gets up and says “So where’s the food woman?”
“Um it is burned, I burned the food.” I don’t even try to defend myself. I can’t be bothered to try to avoid anything ugly. He walks up to me and puts his arm around me and says “Never mind. Accidents happen, I love you.” As he starts kissing me I can’t help but agree with him. I am completely delusional. I must be. I am certifiably insane. I go to the bathroom and lock the door. With the sound turned off my phone I watch the video.
It is there. It really did happen
I go back to the table and we talk and interact as nothing happened.
This is so frustrating and confusing I want to scream like a crazy woman. So I ask him why he was screaming at me for two hours and his eyes cloud over as he says “What shouting?”.
I can’t explain it but this is one of the worst parts for me. The verbal abuse is bad but not even being acknowledged is worse. I don’t even want an apology at this stage I just wanted to hear him say he has done it. To admit to it. He tells me I am “confused again.
I’ve lost it now, I can’t take this shit anymore. I have taken it for years and this is enough. I play the video on my phone. I hold it up to him and say “Then what the fuck is this?”. He lunges at me and grabs my phone out of my hands. He throws my phone but the video is still playing when it bounces down the passage. We can both hear his screaming loud and clear.
I feel triumphant, I start laughing and say there you go fucker, there is your screaming. Deny that. He lifts me off the ground and the sound of the phone is drowned out by his screams of rage. He holds me up against the wall of my room off my feet screaming in my face. I smile at him as if to say kill me then. I am so broken I feel like it doesn’t matter what he does anymore.
I am flying through the air and I land on my bed on the other side of the room. As I bounce I wonder if he just threw me without caring where I landed or if he aimed to throw me on the bed.
I Have To Get Away From This Relationship
I have never seen him this out of control and crazy before as he rages on. He strides over unbuckling his belt. He pulls his belt out of his pants and snaps it in front of my face. He screams something at me and I don’t take it in. I am curled in a ball and I close my eyes. I don’t move. I don’t try and get away or defend myself.
Time passes while I wait for the belt to strike me. I am expecting it and it doesn’t come. I lie there and I lose all concept of time. I wonder if I have been lying with my eyes closed for 5 minutes or if it has been an hour. I open my eyes and he is not in the room.
I find him in the kitchen and I say nothing. I just pick up my keys. He follows me and I let him out of my flat. What is wrong with me that he hates me so much. I am the most pathetic person I know.
I know I have to get away from this relationship but I just keep going back. Tomorrow will be more of the same and like the idiot I am I will just sit there, keep my eyes on him respectfully and quietly and make sure I don’t cry.
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