Recovery Story Part-5
Hiding my drug-taking from my boyfriend is getting harder and harder.
He drinks like a fish and smokes weed all day long but for some reason, he thinks that me taking the odd line of cocaine is a problem.
I’m also always in such a state of confusion around him. I am sure that he messes with my head on purpose but I can’t be 100% sure.
He tells me all the time that I am a horrible person, that I say the most horrific things which I honestly don’t remember and make me feel sick to the stomach.
What If I Have Done And Said Those Things?
We are at the local pub with Jane and a few other people. I am in the bathroom again, cutting myself a line of coke.
It is becoming harder and harder to get the coke up with my nose being blocked all the time.
I blow my nose really hard and then fast as lightning sort the line of coke up before it blocks again.
I look at myself in the mirror and my nose is caked with the white powder. I clean myself up and open the door.
The people at the pool table next to the bathroom give me a filthy look when I come out.
I ask them what the fuck they are looking at. They shake they’re stuck up heads and go back to their game.
Why Do So Many People Look Down Their Noses At Me All The Time?
We are all out to have fun, some more than others of course, but who doesn’t snarf the odd line of coke?
When I get back to the bar my boyfriend tells me it is time to go home.
I want to stay and party some more but he is insistent that it is late and he is tired. I have promised to stay over at his house and I start thinking about how I can wiggle out of it so I can keep going.
“Everything is a drug. Family, art, causes, new shoes… We’re all just tweaking our chem to avoid the void”. – Joss Whedon
The thing is that I will never be able to sleep now, I am so wired on drugs.
I remember that if I don’t go with him like I promised I will be punished in some way and I am not in the mood for that.
We get to his house and Jane is going to sleep in the lounge.
Bob and I go to bed. He goes to sleep so fast and I can hear him snoring away. It is such an annoying sound and it grates me big time.
All I want to do is go into the lounge to chat with Jane but I know that Bob might wake up and wonder what I am up to.
I keep wiggling because it feels awful to be still. My skin is crawling when I don’t move at all. My thoughts are racing along at a dizzying rate.
My nose is still blocked like it always is. This damn cold just won’t go away. I can’t remember when last I managed to breathe through my nostrils.
I can feel some snot running down my nose. I have to move to wipe it away. Bob turns over disturbed by my movement.
Time ticks slowly and it feels like I have been imprisoned here for a week. Tick tock tick tock. I can hear his watch ticking, in between those ghastly snores.
I can’t stop sniffing but I try and do it quietly. I try not to wiggle but I give in each time.
After what feels like an eternity I see the sky outside is getting just a teensy bit lighter. I wonder what the time is. Can I get away with “getting up” now?
It doesn’t take long for me to decide that I don’t care if it is 4 am, I have to get up right now. I can’t take it any longer pretending to be fast asleep.
Quietly I tiptoe into the lounge. Jane is sitting up on the couch looking around the room happy as can be. I wonder if she has sat there all night like that.
I sit down and we chat quietly. Oh, this is so much better.
With eyes open wide she points to the dog that has entered the room and in an eerie acid voice says “Bob your dog is melting”.
I look up and Bob is standing right there. I look into his eyes briefly but before looking away I can see I am done for.
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You can leave the rehab any time, no one will compel you to stay at the rehab. However, dedication and continued treatment are required to fight addiction and achieve a sober life.
There are various stages of addictions. The initial stage is the functioning individual with the addiction. The most common scenario is they have a job and their relationships are intact, but their health is depleting slowly because of their dependence.
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