About myself, I have always found it hard to write about my own self, but I suppose I’ll try. I hauled cattle, yes semi over the road and solo, Didn’t need anyone with nor did I want anyone with me. If dated anyone, never was it another bull hauler, always a city guy, this way they didn’t know what my world was like since there are very few women bull haulers. Married plenty of times, and fixed to add to that count of divorces. But the thing was the 3 girls I got out of marriage 1 and 2. So here it is,
All About Me,
Well, it’s now. I have to examine my life over and over and wonder if I could do things differently, and I am sure I’d have the same outcome. My dreams are large, my goals are still there, my thoughts would scare most people away, my family isn’t sure of me, my friends think I am to cool, my past loves can not belive I am still going strong, my actions are meant to confuse those closest to me, my life has never been simple or easy, my strengths have got me into more fights and opportunities than I care to remember, my past is all set to make a major movie and if that is so everyone’s names has to be changed, my secrets are filed away safely under lock and key, I laugh at the mistakes I’ve made, but I’ve never forgot, I keep people at a distance so they are safe from me , I keep people at a distance so I don’t feel their games, I have friends that don’t know me at all, I tend to trust what hurts the most, I question why things are the way they are and I study situations and keep the dangerous ones close, I get bored with happy and secure, I seek out those ones who I may need one day in the future,I leave a lasting impression, I smile at the one who has everything to fear, and I use my wit to charm the devil out of his skin, I see that everything comes back to you if you mistreated others in the past, I try to be helpful, I try to be supportive and help the one who hurts worse than me, I hate fake people, and if you done me wrong and I tried to believe in you and you let me down time and time again, I will make you hurt worse than you made me, I run when things are normal and I cry when I see an animal hurt, I miss my Dad, and wonder if there is a God, but most of all, I wonder just who it is that I really am.
I was in federal prison for 5 years, I was a contact for major drug dealers for 11 years, I didn’t do drugs until 2 years before I was arrested, I was the main person, I had the major role, yet my co def is a Texas Synd main, his sister my best friend, I still have contact with him, and at the time of our crimes, we hated each other. Somehow I gained a knowledge for what I was doing, I lived 2 lives, the carefree bull hauler of south texas and a drug contact, it was tough, I wanted money faster than I was making it, I made great money hauling cattle, I was also the only woman to ever haul PBR and prca bulls, when I got caught that was taken from me. I had to endure so much pain but If I would let it go, it would come together, not overnight, I have helped so many, I told then the ugly truth of addiction, and addiction is an ugly word no one likes to be labeled that. I will forever be in recovery, its to easy to fall back, I have friends who use meth still and the boyfriend, he has come to a long ways, but slips every so often, I am in school for forensics and my federal felony has been an issue BUT I have worked with drug enforcement officers helping them understand addiction. Yea this has helped my credibility and it seems drugs and all kinds of addiction fall in my lap. I never had a formal education, except LIFE…
I am honest and I am tough about it, It hurts when someone finally admits, but the smile I show them lets them breathe once again. In federal prison, I did a 500-hour program called RDAP, It’s tough, and I was the hardest toughest bitch there, wow I was always fighting with someone I wouldn’t follow rules, I was horrible, BUT my judge ordered it if I had failed I had to take it again. I survived it, I learned from it and I became their honor student ( so to speak) The truth hurts, the things I have seen, what people will do for their addiction is sicking, I sold it, I lost my soul.
I didn’t know what I had became, it was stuff no one could ever imagine, but I lived it secretly. .. I was a very powerful person in this game, no one wins, No One,After my release I still had 6 months of outpatient of treatment, The treatment center asked me to be a speaker on 4 different occasions, That’s when I knew my voice and story made other people start to find their way out of that nightmare, Ugly world, and I lived it, and I will never forget, and because of that, I can let others feel emotions, and its a good feeling to see it.